Grief at Christmas

It doesn’t matter how long ago someone you loved died, the holidays somehow seem to bring back the rawness of the loss. The underlying sense that someone is missing amongst the frivolity is all too real.

My mother died in late November 1987, when I was 22 years old, my first major experience of loss. I remember the first Christmas without her being a particularly painful time. She had always set an empty chair at our Christmas table - "for absent friends" she said, but I didn't understand that in its entirety until she had passed away.

I realised years later she had given me one way to bring those we had lost to the celebrations. My brother died on Easter Sunday 1995, so holidays for me tended to be an exceptionally difficult time as friends rushed off to spend time with family. Throughout the ensuing years and more losses, I have thought at length about grief and how to deal with it when it springs up unexpectedly, and how to prepare for those times, like holidays, when you expect it will be particularly tough.

Understanding Grief is Not a Finite Process.

As we go through different stages of life, different levels of grief emerge. For instance, as I have recently grieved not having become a mother myself, it has brought up a grief of not being able to connect with the memory of my mother in that way - as a mother.

It's not an overwhelming grief, just a gentle, bittersweet noticing. I used to get annoyed with myself - thinking I should be over the loss by now - but realising that grief is a lifelong journey helped me to be kinder to myself and those who also grieve. This is not a self-pitying grief, but an acceptance of the process, of the fact that grief is part of life.

So when grief springs up I sit with it for a while. Just being still, breathing deeply and noticing what is going on in my body and emotions. I allow the process space to take place. If your place is busy with activity try going for a walk alone in nature. I find it helps lift my spirits, the steady walking encourages you to breathe - it's amazing how shallow our breathing becomes when we're holding in those emotions. Then, if I feel the need I talk to someone I find someone who will just listen, even if it means calling a local bereavement telephone service.

Denial, Overwhelm or Acceptance?

At holiday time there are so many decisions to make: where to be on Christmas Day; what to eat; what to buy for presents and so on. We can be so busy in the chaos that pre-Christmas brings we become so out of touch with what is going on inside us. The pressure builds and builds and all too often Christmas can end up too stressful to enjoy. Throw grief on top of that and it starts to feel like you have no control.

Part of preparing for holidays for me entails thinking about my emotions and how best to work with them. I realise we can have 3 coping mechanisms at times when grief can be at its strongest. Denial, Overwhelm or Acceptance.

Denial:

It's easy to run around getting so busy you have little time to think - this is often the way people cope with grief especially when it's new. Some of us can withdraw avoiding Christmas altogether - going overseas or leaving town.

My first Easter without my brother, I decided I would do something to honour his memory and as I was in the USA at the time, I drove to the Grand Canyon and took a flight through it. In one way I went overseas to escape the grief, but in another way I created new Easter memories in his honour.

Overwhelm:

Sometimes we can be so overtaken with our emotions and unable to manage. This is time to reach out and ask for help. I discovered that often other people don't know what to do to help and they are just waiting for you to tell them. So take a deep breath, and tell someone what you feel you need. You might be surprised who will be there for you.

Acceptance:

This coping strategy often comes along years after the loss of your loved one. It's a place where you can laugh about Christmases shared with them and have a little cry together too. Embrace the joy and the pain. It's the one where you pull the empty chair up to the table and raise a toast to 'absent friends' and smile when you think of them.

Whatever strategy you employ - accept that is where you are at - and recognise that those around you might be employing different strategies - and try to accept that too. As you move through your grief you will find that some of the strategies you employed no longer serve you and you will find more creative ways of dealing with grief at Christmas.

Whatever you do give yourself permission to grieve.

Follow your instincts - cope with what you can - ask for help when you need it - and

just remember - however you are feeling - it's ok!

© Rebecca Saunders all rights reserved